Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
