I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Shame is for Republicans.
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