Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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