just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
