I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
