i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
