He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
