Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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