my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're like the curious george of whores
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
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