So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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