Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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