a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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