I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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