my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
