Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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