He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
It's rum buckets o'clock
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
