I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Don't make out with my wife yet
My hand turned me down
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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