I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just threw up on my dentist
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
