I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
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He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
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I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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