God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
