apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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