I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Acid is not a monday night drug
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
