So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
