I feel like abortions should bother me more
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
soo... how was my night?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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