Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
