please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
