just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
