Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
