Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
