The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
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I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
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There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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