Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
