Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
