worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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