I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
