walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
