the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
You are the jesus of drinking
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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