You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
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