her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Porn is love you can see.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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