so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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