I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
