dude i'm inner monologue high
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
