I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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