I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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