she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
