my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
