He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
My liver is preforming stress tests.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
