Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
