Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
These 23 People Are Living Shocking Lies
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
The 17 Absolute Worst Divorces Imaginable
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?