I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
