smell my finger.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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