he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
