mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize