we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
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Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
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I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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