My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize