I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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