i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
