O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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