What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
